It's a good life.

It Comes In 3's

So about a month ago my Granddad passed away. I got a phone call from my mom Tuesday morning to tell me that a close family friend was killed in his apartment. He was like an older brother to me. He used to change my diaper when I was a baby. His younger brother, who is about 9 months younger than me, and I are much closer... and I just wish I was back home for him. They are pretty sure they got the guy who did it. It's looking like this guy just randomly was firing shots off from his gun, and one went through his window... and that was it. I guess it makes it better knowing that someone didn't have the intention to kill him, but still stinks. He was taken before his time. I will miss him and I know others will too. So then my Grandma's best friend, who was like a psuedo-grandma to me after she passed away, passed away yesterday morning.

Getting closer!

I looked at my countdown to the end of this deployment and it's amazing how close we are getting to the end. We've still got a while to go, but when I look back at how far we've come... it makes it look that much closer. I've been through A LOT this deployment...

I have:

• Experienced my first REAL winter with LOTS of snow (having to shovel it all while being hugely pregnant)
• Given birth to my second daughter naturally (not how I planned!) without my husband.
• Raised my two wonderful daughters on my own.
• My grandfather (who we truly both love and adore) passed away somewhat unexpectedly, and am still dealing with my grief... by myself.
• Had my own struggles with some personal issues.
• Lots of sleepless nights and worrisome days due to my husband being at war.
• Met some wonderful (and some not so great as well) women who know what it's like to go through a deployment.
• Found who really is and who is not your true friend.
• Gotten my certificate in Medical Billing.

I'm sure there might be more to add to that list, but right now that is just about all I can think of. I love my husband more and more each day. I can not wait to see him walk through that door into the homecoming ceremony and hand our girls over to him to hug and kiss... and then get my own hug and kiss. I need time to speed up just a tiny bit, ok? Thanks.

When a Soldier is away...one remembers details about them that on any other day with them, the little things they would pay mind to. The appreciation grows deeper and the longing stronger for the moment they are together again. These feelings go both ways...as where the Soldier stands strong, proud and ready to serve, there lies a soft spot in their heart for those they leave behind. Always remember, your simple words of thanks and even an endearing smile will warm that soft spot with love ♥

B-I-N-G-O

Last night was my first night out with the girls without my girls here in our backwards state while R's been deployed... my neighbor's mom is in town for a couple of weeks and volunteered to watch our kids while we went to BINGO! Yes, you read right... BINGO! I was hesitant because this was the first time I was leaving A with a new person, but I took it all in stride, pumped some milk for her (even though she doesn't drink a bottle), packed up their pj's, and away we went!

I had so much fun, I think those old ladies who go to Bingo all the time know what's going on! I bought a nifty blue Elvis dobber and away I went playing. :) I came close a couple of times but never got to win. We still had fun going out without the kids. We got back and the girls did great! I foresee many more trips to the Bingo hall - which is conveniently right down the street from our house. Oh and when my sister comes to visit in 34 days, we will be making a bingo trip! Woohoo!

My heart's a radio... it beats for you so listen close

I love my husband.

I've been having a rough couple of days... ok week. Since being down here talking to my husband has been somewhat limited. Talking in a big group of people or people just being nosey really just knocks a lot of what we want/need to talk about out. So I feel like even though I've been able to see his face and hear his voice on Skype that we haven't really been able to "talk". I tell him everything... he is my one person who I confide EVERYTHING to. So seeing as it's been a very rocky couple of days... err week... I really need to vent to him. That can't possibly happen when the subject of my vent is sitting a few feet away. I was on Skype with him when some crazy drama blow up happened, so he got to hear it firsthand for himself. After we got done with our conversation which was pretty piddly (I was upset and he was tired), I shut off my computer. I needed a disconnect from everything. I got a notification on my phone from Facebook that I had a message... from my husband. His small message had all the right words and I cannot wait for him to come home. I love that man more than anything and he just knew how to turn my frown upside down. No matter what drama or crazy stuff may happen... I will always have him. And that is more than I will ever need. ♥

Over It.

I've been back in my hometown for a little over a week now. The funeral was Wednesday and it was short, simple, and sweet. However, I've been having to deal with unnecessary family drama. I guess its bound to happen when people get together (that haven't been for a while) and are stuck together for several days with no reprieve. I've been here WAY longer than I ever wanted to be... and now I'm holed up in a room with both of my girls just to escape that shit storm that awaits right outside of this door. I have two more days until I fly back home. I'm beyond ready for that. I miss my home, I miss my cat, I miss my friends, and I miss my life. There was a reason I moved out when I was 19 and clearly those reasons have not changed.

Goodbye

This morning my Granddad passed away. I flew back home with the girls yesterday... but unfortunately was not able to see him before he passed. I love him dearly and will miss him for the rest of my time on this Earth. I know he is finally at peace and has been reunited with my Grandma up in Heaven. As much as I'm sad he isn't here anymore, I am happy they are together again. He just wasn't the same after she passed away almost 4 years ago.

A New Day Has Come

I pray

Upside Down

The other day I was watching an episode of Bones (the one where she thought the victim was exactly like herself and even thought she spoke to her through her recorded work audio tapes) and basically, you have to give yourself (and your brain) enough time for the universe to be right-side up again. It's really a good episode if you haven't seen it - watch it! Anyway, things have been pretty upside down since I got back from visiting my family. First of all, the main reason I made the trip in the first place to was visit my Granddad whose health is failing. After numerous attempts to visit him were turned down, it became clear that I wasn't going to be able to see him during this trip. I tried not to take his rejections personally, but I did. I was hurt. I drove 8 hours to see my family, but mainly to visit with him. I wanted him to meet my littlest baby girl for the first time. I wanted him to see how big C has grown. Most of all, I wanted to have a visit I could cherish and reflect on until our next visit.

I was hurting, but hid my tears from my dad because I didn't want to upset him anymore than he already was. I know he is struggling with seeing his dad's health failing and I didn't want to add my feelings into the mix. I felt as though the whole trip was pointless. I am glad I got to spend time with my family, and the girls with their grandparents & aunt. However, I just felt like I'd been punched in the gut. I don't care what my Granddad looks like or if he has to get around with a walker. I love him and none of the other things bother me! My grandma (his wife) before she died, made a comment about having to bring her oxygen tank with her to the restaurant and asked if that would embarrass us? I stopped dead with whatever I was doing and said "Of course it doesn't bother me! I'll even carry it in for you! I love you and nothing else matters. Nothing like that could ever embarrass me - I'm not shallow." Looking back, I wondered if she really thought that it might bother me or if she was just seeing what my reaction would be? I'll never know because that was the last visit I had with her before she died. It makes me wonder if my Granddad possibly thinks that I'm shallow and that his state would embarrass me? I think he might just be a little embarrassed himself about his current state, but I love him and I wouldn't care if he was missing an arm, a leg, had an oxygen tank, or couldn't even remember who I was... I could and would look past all those things. So I'm still upset that I couldn't see him. I really hope that wasn't my last chance to visit him, because then I'd be even more upset.

After making the trip back home, which took 3 extra hours because of upset kids, things were very hectic. It's been about 3 weeks and things are starting to get back to normal. I love where I live and the people around me, but it has been a very lonely couple of weeks. Everyone had plans for the Fourth and seemed to just forget about us. A friend of mine (whose husband is also deployed) said it best... she said the holidays are hard, but they are harder when they are for the sole reason that you are alone. Being forgotten and being alone really made things a little more difficult. I had those difficult days, wiped my tears, pulled my big girl panties on and am knocking out the rest of this deployment. It may bend me, but it will not break me.

(Sorry about the rambling, but if you made it this far pat yourself on the back!)

Social Disconnect

Lately I've been wanting to withdraw myself from the social world, whether it's facebook, blogging, face-to-face contact, etc... I just want to crawl into a little hole with my girls and BE. I miss my husband. He should be home with us and watching his girls grow. Instead he has to experience some firsts via computer screen or not at all. I know he signed up for it and I'm backing him 120%. It doesn't make it any easier to be apart from him for 245 days so far.

I wanted to deactivate my facebook because honestly I got tired of people griping and whining about their husband being gone for a night or working late. Normally I don't mind it, when I was just living a civilian life I may have (and probably did) complain about my husband not being home in a timely manner, etc. It's just lately I miss my husband, my daughters miss their daddy, and I'm tired of people complaining that they aren't getting to see their husbands for a couple extra hours (or days).

So instead of making a rash action, I simply shut off my laptop (after talking to my husband) and left it off. I snuggled, played, talked, watched movies, and just enjoyed my girls. I also got to take a little nap with A on the couch while C was watching a movie. It was a mental reboot. I'm feeling much better and more confident about tackling the social world.

If you are reading this and have vented about anything I mentioned above about your spouse, know that I'm not talking about anyone or anything in particular. I'm not upset with anyone, it's just been a couple difficult deployment days. :)

In other news... we're down to double digits until he comes home! ♥

Happy Independence Day

Hope you all have a safe 4th of July weekend. Please stop to think about those who have served and those that are currently serving our great country so that we can have the freedoms we cherish every single day.

Father's Day

Well things have been super busy lately, but I wouldn't change it for the world - its making time go by faster! At least it seems like it's going by quickly. I have some wonderful neighbor friends who we do lots of stuff with and it seems like we're always on the go. My poor house and chores also suffer from us being "busy" not just my blog! As much as I love my friends and doing things, there are days when I just want to sit home and relax. I had one of those days on Saturday and I was knocking out chores left and right... then I get a text from my mom telling me I need to come visit my Granddad soon because he just isn't looking too well. After a few back and forth with text messages and a phone call, I decided to make a trip down to visit my parents and also my Granddad. I told my mom not to tell my Dad, because I was going to drive through the night and wake my dad up in the morning as a surprise for Father's Day! That's exactly what I did, I left a couple hours early so I could miss some storms forming around us. I drove through amazing lightning shows for hours, a little bit of rain, LOTS of giant bugs, and finally rolled up to my parents' house at 6am. C was super excited to be going to 'Papa's House'! She couldn't wait to wake him up and surprise him!

I just have to say that driving the 8 hours was entirely worth it to see his face. He was bragging to everyone about his surprise for Father's Day. I wish my husband was here for this special day, but I think we made his day special with his own Father's Day package! We sent him two cakes in a jar (he loved them!), some cards, an album full of pictures (he requested this), some artwork from C, and a new iPod cover. I also made him an imprint of A's foot but he wanted me to keep that at home so it wouldn't chance being broken on the way there or on the way back. I'm enjoying my time with family but missing my home with all the baby gadgets (i.e. swing, etc) and just the comfort of being in your own home. I know my parents are enjoying this time, so maybe it'll buy me a few more months before they start begging for me to come back down again?! We'll see!

Busy, busy, busy!

I haven't posted very often lately and we've been super busy! I finally got C all registered on base for classes and hourly childcare (if needed) since they are all free while my husband is deployed. We've also gone swimming, playing outside in the scorching heat, knocking out all my chores, and finally starting my classes! Not to mention dealing with a cranky baby non stop. I will update soon. These past couple of days have been very trying and I will post once things calm down and I can catch my breath.

Sweet silence.

As I sit here typing up this blog, all I hear is the quiet breeze of my air conditioning. Both of my girls are asleep. C is passed out upstairs in her bed after a fun day playing outside with her friends. A is snoozing next to me on the couch until I make our way upstairs for the night. I love hearing her content sleepy sighs. As a temporary single mom while my husband is deployed, I don't get alone of quiet time. C has pretty much abandoned the nap-taking ship since A was born. I was sad to see her stop taking naps because that's when I got a lot of my housework and other chores done. Now it takes twice as long to swap out laundry and fold them with C wanting to follow me and "help". I don't mind normally, but sometimes I just want to "get in and get out" so to speak.

I've also come to wonder if my eldest is hard of hearing, because she only seems to hear me when I yell. Scratch that, when I SCREAM. It is beyond frustrating when I am trying to get her attention or steer her away from harm (or doing something she's not supposed to do), I practically have to scream at her. Multiple times. I'm constantly feeling like I'm the "mean mommy". I want to be fun mommy every now and again... but when you're the only parent currently in the picture, you don't really get a choice. Even with my loving husband home I do end up being the disciplinarian, but I get a break from it and he'll step in. I miss the help.

So for now I will enjoy the silence until my sleeping children wake up tomorrow and it starts all over again. I just love their sweet noises, but sometimes mommy needs a little quiet time. All I can do is get through each day, and I'll be another day closer to my love being home. We love and miss you honey. Stay safe. ♥

Ugh.

These past couple of days haven't been very kind to me and my family. To start off, yesterday was a very emotional day. Sadie, our new puppy, came down with symptoms of parvo and unfortunately by the time I got her to the vet, it was just too late. She had to be put down. I only had her for two days and it was still just as heartbreaking to put a new pet down as if you were to put the dog you've had all your life down. She was a wonderful dog. So smart (she was SO close to being 100% housebroken!), sweet, calm, and full of love. It broke my heart to have to explain to C why Sadie wasn't at home. She asked a few times yesterday but I am pretty sure she's just too young to really understand what is going on.

The weather here has flip flopped and now its pretty unseasonably chilly. Just about everyone I know has some sort of congestion or cold going on. I've got some really annoying sinus congestion. C has some snot flow going, and poor A has a fever and some snot flow too. This weekend is a long weekend for most, just another weekend for us. I will spend this Memorial Day weekend cleaning up my house, doing laundry, babying my sick baby, and possibly going to a BBQ tomorrow (pending on how A is feeling). I hope you all have a nice holiday weekend and stay safe.

I'm crazy.

I'm crazy. Certifiably insane. Check me into a nuthouse batty.

But I'm a crazy lady who's days are flying by! I don't really know what I was thinking getting a 10 week old puppy while already having a 3 year old and 3 month old. Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment? Ah well, I'm loving every second of it. Well, mostly every second. Sadie isn't 100% housebroken, so I'm working hard to get her all trained up! She pooped twice outside, but I won't tell you how many times she pooped inside. We are making progress!

I'm also adding schooling to the fray. Yes, I am loony. I've pretty much got everything approved for my classes and by next week I should be able to order my books and then start my classes shortly after that. We are more than halfway through this deployment and it's flying by! So I may be crazy, but I'm keeping myself busy until my love come home!

A new addition

We have added a new addition to our family!

Meet Sadie. She's a lab/german shepherd mix. And absolutely adorable. ♥

I can do this

One question I get asked a lot as a wife of a deployed soldier is "How do you do it? You must be so strong." I too felt the same when I was in their shoes (i.e. not married to a soldier). My good friend Rachel is married to a wonderful man who is also in the Army. She has survived thyroid cancer, having 2 children, completing her Bachelor's and Master's degrees, and is currently in her third year of law school and pursuing a second Master's... all while going through several deployments! She is superwoman/mom. Rachel, if you're reading this you are truly an inspiration! She is raising her children (wonderfully I might add!) and pursuing her dreams. When I asked her way back when how she did it... she simply said, "You never really know what you can handle until you don't have a choice." I thought it was a very clever answer. Now that I'm in her shoes... she's absolutely right.

Yes, I gave birth to my daughter naturally (not how I planned it - I wanted the drugs!) without my husband. He was still overseas, but I did it. I'm raising my 3 year old and my 3 month old while he's serving our country. I'm taking classes for a certification. I'm not living at "home" with my family and friends. I manage our household doing all the chores that have to be done. I manage our finances, which isn't any different since I was doing that before he left. I keep my family together and keep things running. I don't think how hard it is every day, but there are those tough days that seems like it's never ending.

I can do this.
I am doing this.
I'm over halfway done with this deployment - now that is music to my ears.

Daddy Movie

Yesterday we got a DVD that R recorded at the USO before he went back overseas after R&R. The USO has a program called United Through Reading and it was because of this program that my kiddos now have a wonderful DVD of their daddy reading them the exact books that we received in the package (with personalized notes written inside each book). C has watched this DVD close to 30 times since we got it yesterday. She calls it her "Daddy Movie" and loves waving to him and just soaking up every little thing he says. She truly is a daddy's girl and I know she misses him so much. A was sleeping in the swing for most of the movie but woke up and just watched her daddy on the tv. Even though she only met her daddy for the first time when she was 10 weeks old, she instantly bonded to him. No matter what, he could look at her and she would just giggle. It warmed my heart to watch the two of them bond.

I loved watching their "daddy movie" as well. He was very soft-spoken while recording and struggled a little bit through some of the little bit more difficult words. Being the perfectionist that I am, I knew what words he was struggling with (mainly 'saguaro') and would say the words out loud as if he could hear me correcting him. In the DVD, he told me to hush after such incident of struggling. When I watched the movie for the first time I just about died laughing! He knows me so well he knew I was going to say the word! For a moment it felt like he was sitting across the room from me instead of thousands of miles away. Every time we watch the movie, it still makes me smile.

I am thankful that my kids have this movie of their daddy that they can watch, but I'm still sad that they have to be without him for so long. I know I miss him so much every single day, but I can't imagine how they must feel missing their daddy. So if your husband, fiance, or significant other is home with you... please give them a hug. Enjoy them. I would travel thousands of miles and give up everything just to be able to feel my husband's embrace.

We love you honey. Stay safe and come home to your girls. ♥

No Excuses

I've slacked long enough! Early deployment blues have subsided, and we have a new baby girl in our family! My loving husband came home on R&R - meeting his daughter for the first time, and we had a wonderful time. Now I'm taking the initiative to make some changes in my life. I have lost about 25 lbs after I had my baby girl, but I still have some weight left to lose. It wouldn't hurt to tone this flabby tummy either. So I am starting P90X this weekend, as soon as it hits my mailbox!

I'm also going to start taking classes to get certification for Medical Billing. One thing is for sure, I will beat this deployment down so hard I will make it think twice before coming around my house again! So I am going to attempt to keep up with this blog now. :) Attempt being the key word there, after all being a stay at home mom to 2 kids with a deployed husband isn't the easiest!