Upside Down

The other day I was watching an episode of Bones (the one where she thought the victim was exactly like herself and even thought she spoke to her through her recorded work audio tapes) and basically, you have to give yourself (and your brain) enough time for the universe to be right-side up again. It's really a good episode if you haven't seen it - watch it! Anyway, things have been pretty upside down since I got back from visiting my family. First of all, the main reason I made the trip in the first place to was visit my Granddad whose health is failing. After numerous attempts to visit him were turned down, it became clear that I wasn't going to be able to see him during this trip. I tried not to take his rejections personally, but I did. I was hurt. I drove 8 hours to see my family, but mainly to visit with him. I wanted him to meet my littlest baby girl for the first time. I wanted him to see how big C has grown. Most of all, I wanted to have a visit I could cherish and reflect on until our next visit.

I was hurting, but hid my tears from my dad because I didn't want to upset him anymore than he already was. I know he is struggling with seeing his dad's health failing and I didn't want to add my feelings into the mix. I felt as though the whole trip was pointless. I am glad I got to spend time with my family, and the girls with their grandparents & aunt. However, I just felt like I'd been punched in the gut. I don't care what my Granddad looks like or if he has to get around with a walker. I love him and none of the other things bother me! My grandma (his wife) before she died, made a comment about having to bring her oxygen tank with her to the restaurant and asked if that would embarrass us? I stopped dead with whatever I was doing and said "Of course it doesn't bother me! I'll even carry it in for you! I love you and nothing else matters. Nothing like that could ever embarrass me - I'm not shallow." Looking back, I wondered if she really thought that it might bother me or if she was just seeing what my reaction would be? I'll never know because that was the last visit I had with her before she died. It makes me wonder if my Granddad possibly thinks that I'm shallow and that his state would embarrass me? I think he might just be a little embarrassed himself about his current state, but I love him and I wouldn't care if he was missing an arm, a leg, had an oxygen tank, or couldn't even remember who I was... I could and would look past all those things. So I'm still upset that I couldn't see him. I really hope that wasn't my last chance to visit him, because then I'd be even more upset.

After making the trip back home, which took 3 extra hours because of upset kids, things were very hectic. It's been about 3 weeks and things are starting to get back to normal. I love where I live and the people around me, but it has been a very lonely couple of weeks. Everyone had plans for the Fourth and seemed to just forget about us. A friend of mine (whose husband is also deployed) said it best... she said the holidays are hard, but they are harder when they are for the sole reason that you are alone. Being forgotten and being alone really made things a little more difficult. I had those difficult days, wiped my tears, pulled my big girl panties on and am knocking out the rest of this deployment. It may bend me, but it will not break me.

(Sorry about the rambling, but if you made it this far pat yourself on the back!)