I love my husband.

I've been having a rough couple of days... ok week. Since being down here talking to my husband has been somewhat limited. Talking in a big group of people or people just being nosey really just knocks a lot of what we want/need to talk about out. So I feel like even though I've been able to see his face and hear his voice on Skype that we haven't really been able to "talk". I tell him everything... he is my one person who I confide EVERYTHING to. So seeing as it's been a very rocky couple of days... err week... I really need to vent to him. That can't possibly happen when the subject of my vent is sitting a few feet away. I was on Skype with him when some crazy drama blow up happened, so he got to hear it firsthand for himself. After we got done with our conversation which was pretty piddly (I was upset and he was tired), I shut off my computer. I needed a disconnect from everything. I got a notification on my phone from Facebook that I had a message... from my husband. His small message had all the right words and I cannot wait for him to come home. I love that man more than anything and he just knew how to turn my frown upside down. No matter what drama or crazy stuff may happen... I will always have him. And that is more than I will ever need. ♥

Over It.

I've been back in my hometown for a little over a week now. The funeral was Wednesday and it was short, simple, and sweet. However, I've been having to deal with unnecessary family drama. I guess its bound to happen when people get together (that haven't been for a while) and are stuck together for several days with no reprieve. I've been here WAY longer than I ever wanted to be... and now I'm holed up in a room with both of my girls just to escape that shit storm that awaits right outside of this door. I have two more days until I fly back home. I'm beyond ready for that. I miss my home, I miss my cat, I miss my friends, and I miss my life. There was a reason I moved out when I was 19 and clearly those reasons have not changed.

Goodbye

This morning my Granddad passed away. I flew back home with the girls yesterday... but unfortunately was not able to see him before he passed. I love him dearly and will miss him for the rest of my time on this Earth. I know he is finally at peace and has been reunited with my Grandma up in Heaven. As much as I'm sad he isn't here anymore, I am happy they are together again. He just wasn't the same after she passed away almost 4 years ago.

A New Day Has Come

I pray

Upside Down

The other day I was watching an episode of Bones (the one where she thought the victim was exactly like herself and even thought she spoke to her through her recorded work audio tapes) and basically, you have to give yourself (and your brain) enough time for the universe to be right-side up again. It's really a good episode if you haven't seen it - watch it! Anyway, things have been pretty upside down since I got back from visiting my family. First of all, the main reason I made the trip in the first place to was visit my Granddad whose health is failing. After numerous attempts to visit him were turned down, it became clear that I wasn't going to be able to see him during this trip. I tried not to take his rejections personally, but I did. I was hurt. I drove 8 hours to see my family, but mainly to visit with him. I wanted him to meet my littlest baby girl for the first time. I wanted him to see how big C has grown. Most of all, I wanted to have a visit I could cherish and reflect on until our next visit.

I was hurting, but hid my tears from my dad because I didn't want to upset him anymore than he already was. I know he is struggling with seeing his dad's health failing and I didn't want to add my feelings into the mix. I felt as though the whole trip was pointless. I am glad I got to spend time with my family, and the girls with their grandparents & aunt. However, I just felt like I'd been punched in the gut. I don't care what my Granddad looks like or if he has to get around with a walker. I love him and none of the other things bother me! My grandma (his wife) before she died, made a comment about having to bring her oxygen tank with her to the restaurant and asked if that would embarrass us? I stopped dead with whatever I was doing and said "Of course it doesn't bother me! I'll even carry it in for you! I love you and nothing else matters. Nothing like that could ever embarrass me - I'm not shallow." Looking back, I wondered if she really thought that it might bother me or if she was just seeing what my reaction would be? I'll never know because that was the last visit I had with her before she died. It makes me wonder if my Granddad possibly thinks that I'm shallow and that his state would embarrass me? I think he might just be a little embarrassed himself about his current state, but I love him and I wouldn't care if he was missing an arm, a leg, had an oxygen tank, or couldn't even remember who I was... I could and would look past all those things. So I'm still upset that I couldn't see him. I really hope that wasn't my last chance to visit him, because then I'd be even more upset.

After making the trip back home, which took 3 extra hours because of upset kids, things were very hectic. It's been about 3 weeks and things are starting to get back to normal. I love where I live and the people around me, but it has been a very lonely couple of weeks. Everyone had plans for the Fourth and seemed to just forget about us. A friend of mine (whose husband is also deployed) said it best... she said the holidays are hard, but they are harder when they are for the sole reason that you are alone. Being forgotten and being alone really made things a little more difficult. I had those difficult days, wiped my tears, pulled my big girl panties on and am knocking out the rest of this deployment. It may bend me, but it will not break me.

(Sorry about the rambling, but if you made it this far pat yourself on the back!)

Social Disconnect

Lately I've been wanting to withdraw myself from the social world, whether it's facebook, blogging, face-to-face contact, etc... I just want to crawl into a little hole with my girls and BE. I miss my husband. He should be home with us and watching his girls grow. Instead he has to experience some firsts via computer screen or not at all. I know he signed up for it and I'm backing him 120%. It doesn't make it any easier to be apart from him for 245 days so far.

I wanted to deactivate my facebook because honestly I got tired of people griping and whining about their husband being gone for a night or working late. Normally I don't mind it, when I was just living a civilian life I may have (and probably did) complain about my husband not being home in a timely manner, etc. It's just lately I miss my husband, my daughters miss their daddy, and I'm tired of people complaining that they aren't getting to see their husbands for a couple extra hours (or days).

So instead of making a rash action, I simply shut off my laptop (after talking to my husband) and left it off. I snuggled, played, talked, watched movies, and just enjoyed my girls. I also got to take a little nap with A on the couch while C was watching a movie. It was a mental reboot. I'm feeling much better and more confident about tackling the social world.

If you are reading this and have vented about anything I mentioned above about your spouse, know that I'm not talking about anyone or anything in particular. I'm not upset with anyone, it's just been a couple difficult deployment days. :)

In other news... we're down to double digits until he comes home! ♥

Happy Independence Day

Hope you all have a safe 4th of July weekend. Please stop to think about those who have served and those that are currently serving our great country so that we can have the freedoms we cherish every single day.